


If I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take.

by Sharmansbabe



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Danny has a little crush, Heavy Angst, Heavy Drinking, M/M, Nice Jackson, Not Canon Compliant, Recreational Drug Use, Scott McCall & Stiles Stilinski Friendship, Scott is a Bad Friend, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Stiles-centric, Suicidal Thoughts, casual homophobic slangs, it is a very dark fic, not homophobic but there are a lot of "dude that is gay" being said casually by a bi dude, prepare for the feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-05-27 06:38:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6273658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharmansbabe/pseuds/Sharmansbabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything in Stiles world starts to fall apart a few weeks after Scott gets bitten. Scott leaves Stiles mostly by himself and can ignore him for days. Stiles seeks comfort in a stupid little prayer, his bottles and his pills. He never thought the ones who cared the most about him were the ones he was the most afraid of not even a year ago.</p><p> </p><p>This is a mostly Stiles-centric fic and it's very dark. It touches hard subjects and it follows the downfall of Stiles life and how he got himself back together.<br/>(I put it online a week ago but wasn't satisfied with it so I made a lot of edits and reposting it.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Stiles was a mess. Ever since Scott got bitten in the woods that night, he kept living in his shadow instead of living in the shadows period. And Stiles hated it. And he hated himself even more for that. Not that Scott did a great job at being his best friend these last weeks, but everything changed in Scott's life - new girlfriend, new friends, new confidence, first line at lacrosse and many others - so where does Stiles fit into it now?

He doesn't.

That's it.

Of course, his life was already shit before, but it got even shittier now. At least, before, he had a best friend, someone with whom he could talk to, someone with whom he could hang out. At least he had someone before. Now he's just alone. And he can't do shit to rectify it.

Stiles hated being alone ever since his mother died. It was like she haunted him every time he was lonely, telling him to get up and do something with his life, that this wasn't the life she wanted for him. And he felt awful about it, which is why he agreed to go to the party.

They got invited to one of Lydia's exciting parties - well; Scott did, and he bring Stiles - and Stiles knew he should be dying with excitement to be at his crush's house. To be anywhere near her, actually. But once they reached the door and went inside, Scott got a glance of his new girlfriend and went straight to her, leaving Stiles alone to himself even though he promised he wouldn't. Not that it was even new, but still, it hurt.

He was there, at a huge party where everyone is wasted, in a corner drinking alone. He knew no one, even though they were all about his age, most of them anyway. The others were older people. He recognized some, but he never talked to any of them and him most probably never will.

That's when he realized it.

He was the loser of the party.

It made him drink the rest of his drink in one shot and he did the same with the other cup he had with him. He closed his eyes and let his head hit the wall behind him, sighing. His thoughts were starting to get fuzzy and he couldn't really concentrate on one thing anymore, so he just concentrated on his breath for a little while. It was as though his ears stopped working, he blocked out all the sound surrounding him without even realizing it. He was in his cocoon. And it felt good for once.

And Stiles would realize later that this is the night where his degradation started.

But at the moment, Stiles couldn't give less shit. He opened his eyes slowly, taking back his cup and frowned realizing he had absolutely no idea what the hell he even drank. He shrugged to himself and tried to get on his feet. Tried, yes, because he fell a couple of times, he only succeeded getting back on his feet when a random guy helped him. Stiles thanked him without even looking at him and ran his hand through his buzzcut hair. He walked - stumbled - to the table where the punch was and got himself two other full cups.

He started to stumble towards the front door and went outside. He wandered slowly as he swallowed a little bit of alcohol every now and then. He just walked away. That's all he did. He felt so empty inside that the alcohol filling him made him feel a little bit better the more he drank.

It happened that he drank a couple of times in the past but this was truly the first time he seemed to enjoy it. What with being sixteen and having only one friend, the opportunities didn't show up so often. Like this one. He didn't know when will be the next time he'll be invited to one of Lydia's parties, if he'll ever be, which he doubted.

He just walked like that for a couple of hours, eventually finishing his drinks and put them in random garbages. He walked and walked, the fresh air made him feel better, it made him breathe.

Once he reached his house, he sighed as he went in and directly went into his bedroom to sleep. He didn't even bother changing, he laid there fully clothed, and he waited for sleep to come, which always took a long time. As his drunken thoughts were wandering, he remembered this little prayer his mom made him say when he was younger.

"As I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take."

Stiles kept reciting this sentence over and over until he eventually fell into a disturbed sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

A few weeks passed, some supernatural shits kept happening, and it was actually only when they happened that Stiles felt less alone because any other time, Scott paid literally no attention to him, having his own bullshit to deal with, which was more important than his best friend, apparently. Even Derek paid more attention to Stiles, and it was only to give him threats. Even his dad was busier with work to realize that there were something wrong with his son these days. But Stiles knew deep down inside of him that his father knew and that he just tried to look away and get out of the apparent sadness that reigned in their house.

Stiles found his dad's alcohol cabinet and stole one of his numerous Jack Daniels bottles. He kept it in his bedroom, under his bed. Every night he took a little of it before he went to sleep, to ease his mind. He also started to recite the prayer out loud to himself until he falls to the darkness. He felt as though his mom was there with him for a few seconds every single night, so he felt less alone for a little moment.

But nights were always the worst part of the days because he couldn't fall asleep, he just fucking couldn't and it was driving him insane! He always had problems with his sleep schedule but this was the worst it ever been. He could lie there on his bed for hours, eyes closed, breathing deeply, but he still couldn't fall the fuck asleep. He even skipped some days of school because he weren't even asleep yet at 7 in the morning.

On one night, he was so exhausted he went to bed at around eight pm and at around two or three, he gave up, drank even more Jack Daniels and started to cry. That night, it was the third day he tried to talk to Scott but he kept ignoring Stiles and he never felt more alone. He missed his mother more than ever - she was the only one that ever loved him. He had no friends at the moment and nobody fucking cared about him and it hurt. It hurt so much, Stiles started to scratch his thighs as he cried even more. He drank again and scratched himself again. He scratched his thigh until it bled.

He finally felt numb inside and out. He got up - a little too fast, he guessed, since he felt a little sick for a second - and went to his computer. He opened Google, a bit unsure about what he was going to do, until his fingers typed 'omegle.com'. He used to go there when he was 14, alone or with Scott. Sometimes he'd see funny things, horrible shit - like that time he saw a dude fuck a little girl???? Sick fuck. That was actually the last time he went on the website, too disgusted to come back - but mostly, it was random penises.

He opened his cam and went through about ten dicks, a girl that looked twelve and an old fuck that asked him to finger himself, and that's when he decided to close the website and to go back to bed. After about two hours of soul keeping and soul giving, he finally fell asleep.

The next day, he got into a fight with his dad, telling him that he was fucking exhausted and Stiles couldn't keep living like this and he told his father that he needed pills to sleep or he would actually murder someone.

He then got in his Jeep and went to school. As he parked, Jackson's Porsche parked right next to him. Jackson got bitten the week before and he was now a beta, which obliged Stiles to spend at least two hours in his company every three days at Derek's burned house. Okay, they got along fine, but that's what made Stiles awkward. Jackson used to beat the shit out of him for four years. He still did it two months ago. And just now, Jackson asked him if he wanted to get to their lacrosse practice with him.

Stiles' eyes got wide, and he stuttered, fear overwhelming him. Jackson must've smelled it because he sighed as he said;

"Don't worry, I won't hurt you."

And Stiles released a breath he never knew he was holding. He started to walk with Jackson towards the locker room. The silence between them was rather awkward. Stiles had no idea what to even talk about with Jackson, except supernatural business, but he didn't want to talk about it at eight am. He kept looking for something to say and it was the moment Jackson took to beat him at it.

"So," he said as he cleared his throat, "what's happening between you and Scott these days? You're all by yourself all the time-"

"Like a loser?" Stiles said sarcastically, huffing. He then looked at Jackson and he saw that he stopped walking and was frowning, so Stiles did the same. "What? Wasn't it what you were about to say? You're always calling me a loser, and now that Scott stopped hanging out with me it makes me more of a loser, no?" He was sure Jackson could hear the hurt in his voice but he gave no shit. He still didn't understand why Jackson was being nice all of a sudden.

Jackson sighed again as he looked down and bring a hand to his forehead, "look, Stiles. I know I've always been an asshole to you, okay? But now that we're gonna hang out because of this, you know, we might as well make peace, right?" He then looked up at Stiles.

It was now Stiles' turn to sigh. He nodded at the other man, "okay then."

"Then how about you eat lunch with us today?"

"'Us' meaning?"

"Me, Danny, Lydia and a couple of guys from lacrosse. How about it?"

Stiles considered it for a little while but finally agreed. "But please, first," he said as he could feel his own face morph into an exhausted plea, "if you're only doing this to, uhm, fuck with me or whatever, please just tell me so now. I can-I can't, uhm, deal with this right now okay? Scott's already being an ass and I can't sleep for shit and-"

"Stiles! Stiles," Jackson cut him as he reached out for Stiles upper arm, squeezing it lightly, "I swear to you, I'm not fucking with you. Come if you want, or don't. It's up to you. But I swear to God, there's nothing going on, okay. I just felt you might need a table to eat. You won't be able to get away with eating in the library forever. Miss Finn is a fucking witch, she'll eventually see you and curse you or something."

That last sentence made Stiles actually laugh. He nodded again as Jackson smiled to him and slapped his upper arm, and they finally made they way to the locker room. The practice was hell, as always. But what was weird was that Scott wasn't there. He never missed any practices. To hell with him.

Chemistry was utter bullshit. He hated Mr. Harris just as much as Mr. Harris hated him. Stiles told him to fuck off when he kept asking Stiles to answer his questions about things they never even studied for. Mr. Harris went red and he screamed at Stiles to get out of his classroom as Stiles screamed back a 'FINE', taking his things and made his way to his locker, furious. He tossed his things into it and made his way outside the building. He sat down under one of the multiple trees of the property and bring his hands to cover his eyes as he let out a shaky breath.

Fuck school, he decided. He got to his feet and went back to his Jeep, driving around town. Without thinking about it, he had drove himself to the cemetery. He only realized it when he parked his car. He stayed in it for a while, staring blankly at the multiple headstones in front of him. Stiles finally started his car and drove away.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day at school, he put down his tray next to Jackson's and sat down, not saying anything, not even looking up knowing fully well everybody must be staring at him. He expected everyone around the table to stop talking and to have someone telling him to get the fuck away, but none of it happened, so he looked up. He saw Danny smile at him, then he looked at Jackson next to him and saw him also smiling. He smiled back awkwardly to them and started to eat.

 

* * *

 

 

It's been a few days since Stiles started to sit at Jackson's table. Scott even texted him to ask him about it. Stiles only texted back that Scott seemed to busy with his own girlfriend to eat lunch with him anymore, to which Scott never replied. Stiles' father also got him some pills to sleep, which he hasn't used yet, go figure. Anyway, life continued as it's been for the last weeks.

But today, today was weird. Danny actually came to him before the third period and said hello to him, something that he never did before. Stiles stuttered a reply and Danny smiled at him. That's when Danny asked him if he wanted to go to a bar with him that night. Stiles frowned, "only us? Alone? Like a date?" Danny laughed.

"No, don't take it the wrong way but I'm not asking you on a date. I'm asking you to hang out. At a bar. With me. And Jackson. Lydia was supposed to come too, but she had something to do with that new girl, Allison."

Stiles frowned even more, "ok..ay, but why inviting me?"

"Why not?" was all Danny replied. He gently slapped his shoulder in a friendly manner, smiled again and went to sit at his place. He received a text about ten minutes after from Jackson, telling him that he'd lift him and Danny to the bar and that he must be ready at nine pm. He also asked him if he had a fake ID. He only replied with a yes.

(He had one done the week before to buy himself more liquor.)

He decided to skip the rest of his classes. He recently bought this promising book, _The diary of Pelly D._ , and he felt the need to read it in calm. He walked to his Jeep, climbed in and drove absent-mindedly to the reserve. He parked his car on the side of the road, took his bag, got out and started to walk to the forest.

He came back multiple times here since the night Scott got bitten. He found it relaxing. With the ambient noise of the birds and insects and animals, Stiles never felt alone. He felt right there.

He found a spot near a river, put his bag on the ground, took out his book and sat on his bag. Stiles then started to read his book. He was so concentrated on it that he never heard someone approaching, so Stiles almost had a heart attack twenty minutes after Stiles started to read when he heard someone talking.

"Don't you have school?"

"Jesus fuck!" Stiles cursed, "Derek, what the actual fuck?! You want to kill me or what? Don't ever sneak up on me like that again!" He started to breathe again as Derek smirked.

"You didn't answer me."

"Well, I don't give a shit," Stiles replied sarcastically as he returned to his book, trying to ignore Derek's presence.

"Did you know that your bag reek of alcohol?"

Stiles frowned as he looked down at his bag whom he was currently sitting on, "well, I dropped some on it yesterday, but I can't even smell it, though."

"Aren't you a little young to drink?"

"Aren't you a little old to harass teenagers?"

Derek's smirk slipped out of his face and he frowned. He didn't say anything else, so Stiles went back to his reading. After ten minutes, he heard leaves crumple beside him so he looked and he saw that Derek sat down next to him. His face was completely blank as he stared at the horizon.

"I saw you the other day," Derek spoke in sotto voce, breaking the calming silence between them as Stiles continued to stare at him, "in your Jeep, at the cemetery." Stiles' eyes went wide in surprise, he never thought someone could have seen him. "Actually, I smelled you before I could even see you. You smelled of pain and sadness. The smell was so strong, I was taken aback. And then, before you drove away, I remembered that your mother was buried there."

At the mention of his mother, Stiles felt tears coming up, so he looked down at the ground, his throat so dry it ached, as Derek continued to speak, "I found her stone pretty quickly because.." When Derek stopped for a minute, Stiles looked back at him. He was still staring blankly far away in front of him, but there was a lot of pain on his face. Derek swallowed before he continued, "because it's near my family's stones. I looked at your mother's and I realized it's almost the anniversary of her death, and I wanted to tell you," Derek finally looked at Stiles, right in his eyes, "that I'm sorry. I know what you're going through and it's hard and I - I'm just sorry for your loss, Stiles."

They stared at each other's eyes for a long while. Stiles felt as though he was drowning in Derek's green eyes. He felt his pain, it was overwhelming. He knew Derek lost more than he did, and Stiles also knew that Derek never, ever talked about his family to anyone, he actually felt special to have him open up like that. It meant a lot to Stiles.

Stiles was the one breaking their eye contact. He got up to his feet and just left without a word. Why? Because he was a coward, that's why. He drove back to his house and went to his room. His desire to read had disappeared, so he just laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling. At one point he decided to get up and take a shower since the last time he took one was two days ago.

The hot water jet made him feel much better so he stayed under it until his skin hurt, then he started to wash his hair and his body. As he got out of the shower and came back to his room, he realized it was already almost five. He dressed and went downstair to get something to eat. There was a casserole of two days old mac and cheese. Since he didn't feel like cooking, he sighed and made himself a bowl.

He sat down on the couch and open the tv. He watched what was currently playing - it was a movie called Clueless - and ate slowly. As he watched the movie start, he thought the girl was annoying and shallow as fuck, and she really was clueless. But as the film continued, he slowly fell in love with her personality. Also, that guy - Josh - was hot as fuck. He slowly was rooting for them to get together, shouting at Cher that the other guy was obviously gay and that Josh was in love with her and that she was so clueless it hurt him physically. John even got out of his home office to tell him to shut the hell up.

He was almost tearing up at the happy ending and was actually feeling good when the movie finished. That's when he looked at his phone to check what time it was that he realized he had an unseen text. He frowned and opened it. It was Jackson, asking if they could hang out before they went to the bar. It was sent twenty minutes ago, so Stiles replied that if the offer still stand, he was all right with it. It was only barely eight. Jackson replied instantly that he was coming over.

His eyes grew wide as he read Jackson's text. Except Scott, nobody ever came over to his house. He went over to his father's home office and knocked softly on his door. His dad opened it a few seconds later, asking him what he wants. Stiles replied softly, "my friend is coming over for half an hour, is that okay?"

John frowned, "since when are you asking for my permission to have Scott over?"

"It's not Scott. It's actually Jackson."

"Thought you hated the kid."

Stiles shrugged, "he's been kind to me these past few weeks."

John stayed quiet for a moment, considering it, "okay, then. If you're sure about it."

"Yeah," he shrugged again while nodding, "it's cool, dad."

John nodded to his son and went back to his room. Stiles released the breath he didn't know he was holding. Stiles went to the kitchen, making himself a glass of water. He drank it slowly, staring blankly at the front door. Stiles made himself a mental note to ask Jackson again later why he was trying to be his friend. As he cleaned his glass, he heard a car outside his house. He went to the front door and opened it before Jackson even knocked. Jackson gave him a little smile, "hey."

"Hey. Come in."

"Thanks." They both were now standing in the living room awkwardly, trying not to look at each other. "So, uh.."

"You, uh, wanna come to my room?"

Jackson nodded, "okay, man." Stiles nodded back and led the way to the stairs and to his room. He maybe should've cleaned it. He pushed everything he could manage under his bed with his feet and went to sit on his bed. Jackson came in and sat on the chair where his computer was. Stiles was the one who spoke first, "so, why did Danny invite me?"

Jackson smiled and let out a small smile, looking down, "Danny always kind of liked you."

Stiles was surprised by that, "but he always told me he thought I was annoying!"

"He said you matured this year, we both know why, huh."

They both smiled at each other, "what about you?"

Jackson shrugged, "I don't know man, I always hated that you were after my girlfriend, I'm gonna be honest, I always felt a little threatened, you know? But it's clear that you're not after her anymore, right?"

"No I-it was always a stupid crush," Stiles blushed, "I mean, she's amazing, but ever since we actually started talking I realized she wasn't the one for me. She's all yours, dude."

"But I wanted to tell you, I'm really sorry for everything I did to you. It's unforgivable, okay. I feel really sorry about this. You're actually kinda cool."

"'Actually,'" Stiles laughed.

Jackson also started laughing, "Yeah, actually. Who thought?"

"Not you!"

And that made them laugh even more. Jackson's cellphone interupted them as it rang. He fished it out of his pocket and answered it, "Yeah? Hey, no, I'm with Stiles. Yeah, we're coming right now. Yeah, okay. See ya, man," Stiles stood there and watched - stared- as Jackson talked with Danny, hand in his hair, looking down at his feet with a little smile on his lips. Jackson hung up and got up, looking at Stiles, "you comin' or what?"

Stiles let out a little smile as he also got up, "I'm coming." They both got out of Stiles bedroom and went downstairs. Before Jackson could walk towards the front door, Stiles reached out for his arm, stopping him. "Wait, I gotta tell my dad I'm going out," he said to him. Jackson nodded and Stiles knocked on his dad's home office's door again. His father opened it, looking at his son quizzically. "Yo Dad, um, I'm going out with Jackson. Are you still working the night shift?"

"Yeah," John frowned, speaking quietly, "Jackson asked you to hang out with him?"

Stiles sighed, "I know what you think dad. It's gonna be okay."

"Better be. Or I'll kick this kid's ass, don't care who's his parents are."

Stiles laughed quietly at his father's words as John reached out to his son's shoulder, shaking it affectionately. He let go of Stiles after a couple of seconds and went back in his office. Stiles took it as his cue to go. He walked to where Jackson was waiting, and they both got out of the house to Jackson's Porsche. They got in, still not talking and Jackson started to drive.

Stiles never got in any luxury cars, and it smelled as though it was still new. Everything was so clean and the vibe screamed money. It was comfortable and it was a pretty good ride. Stiles wouldn't switch his Jeep for it, but he still liked it. As they were getting nearer of Danny's house, Jackson finally broke the silence. "Danny's gonna want to sit in the front, I think."

"Figured. I'll just get in the back seat when we get there."

Jackson nodded, "so, how's my little baby compared to your filthy Jeep?"

"Come on," Stiles huffed, "I can't compare them, man. She's my baby okay. She was my mom's," he felt his voice going down, "my dad kept it in a good condition for six years without driving it because my mom wanted me to have it. My dad put this little red ribbon on it when I turned sixteen, on my birthday," he smiled fondly at the memory, "and he told me to hop in and that was the first time I ever drove. She's the most precious thing I ever had, so," he turned to look at Jackson, "she's still beating your car."

Jackson smiled softly, looking at Stiles for a second and spoke quietly, "thank you for sharing this with me. I see your point, but, dude, this is a Porsche. Come on."

Stiles laughed again, and Jackson parked in front of Danny"s house. He was waiting on the stairs, and Stiles got out, lowered the seat and got in the back seats. Danny replaced the front seat and sat down. "Hey Stiles," he greeted, "looking good," he smiled to Stiles.

Stiles made a little effort, he had put on a skinny black t-shirt and a pair of dark blue skinny jeans. He usually wore plaid or sweaters. The t-shirt Stiles was wearing right now actually fit him tightly, and you were able to make out his forming abs. He smiled, "Thanks, Danny, you too. So, where are we going?"

"Did you ever go to a gay club?" Danny asked as he smirked.

Stiles' eyes went huge, and he stuttered, "wh-wha-what? Sin-since when is Jackson's g-gay?"

"Am not," Jackson replied, "but I'm fond of the attention."

Stiles kept quiet for the rest of the drive. They arrived in front of a big club. Stiles knew the place, but he didn't know it was for gay men exclusively. Maybe he could find some dude to rectify his virgin situation. He hummed to himself as Jackson parked the car. Danny got out, lowered the front seat and Stiles also got out. He and Danny walked towards Jackson who was smirking. Jackson took Stiles by the shoulder, "have you ever even went clubbing before?"

Stiles reddened and looked down before he replied, "no, I-Scott said it wasn't even that great."

"Well, Scott's a liar," Danny said while Jackson laughed as he put his arm around Stiles' shoulders, hitting him friendly on the chest.

"You'll see, man, it's really fun. You won't regret it."

"I hope not," Stiles replied, still blushing but smiling regardless. They walked to the club, showing their fake IDs to the bouncer and got inside. The music was so loud, it overwhelmed Stiles and he stopped for a second. Jackson let go of him and went directly towards the bar as Danny followed. Stiles got a grip on himself and joined them. He asked for a rhum and coke and was about to pay when Jackson took his wrist, "my treat. It's your first time in a club, let me pay for your drinks, we both know I have the money for it."

Stiles smiled and thanked him, taking a sip of his drink. It tasted like heaven. Rhum and Coke always do. He leaned against the bar and he watched the dozens of men that were dancing to the beat of the music. He felt very odd, like he didn't belong here. Everyone was so hot, gorgeous and here he was. A scrawny almost seventeen years old teenager. He was already on his third drink and the more he drank, the sadder he felt. He shouldn't be here, this isn't his place. It's Jackson's and Danny's. Not his.

He was on the verge of a panic attack - there were too many people and the anxiety he felt didn't help either. Jackson must've felt it because Stiles felt himself pushed outside."Hey, hey, Stiles! What's wrong?!" As Stiles continued to pant and didn't answer, Jackson, not knowing what to do, put his hand on Stiles' mouth, "stop doing that! You're fine, Stiles! What happened?! You smell weird man! Tell me what's going on!"

Stiles freed himself from Jackson's hand, "I don't know, man!" He screamed, "I had a panic attack, sorry."

"That must explain the weird smell," Jackson said, mostly to himself, Stiles guessed. "But why? What happened man?"

"I don't know!" Stiles cried out, talking wheezily "I just feel Like I-I don't belong here, Jackson! I don't understand why you guys bring me here! I do not belong in there!"

Jackson frowned, "Uh, Stiles, it doesn't matter if you're gay or not, I'm not and I still enjoy this club and-"

"No, no! I got this part, I'm bi, but-but everybody's so... good looking, you know? Like, you and Danny, this is your kind of place, man. But it's not-not for someone like me, you know?"

"What do you mean, someone like you?"

"Dude, have you seen me?" Stiles huffed, "I have nothing in common with you and Danny and anybody else in this club."

"The fuck are you talking about?!"

"Even Scott doesn't want me anymore! That must say something, no? I got nothing inside or out!"

Jackson took both Stiles' shoulders in his hands, looking at him right in the eyes, "Stiles, get a fucking grip on yourself, okay? I've been talking to you for what, two weeks? Dude, you are way better than 99% of these clowns in there. And fuck Scott, he's a piece of shit and he doesn't deserve you okay? And as for the physical part, you should hear Danny talk about you man, he has it bad about you okay? And Danny's the best person ever, he-he's very picky, if you weren't the shit, he wouldn't talk about you, and I wouldn't even spare one minute of my life hanging out with you, okay?"

Stiles' eyes and mouth were wide open as Jackson finished his speech. He tried to take it in, but he found himself having some difficulties understanding some of the new information he was just told. "Da-Danny likes me?"

"Dude, he has a fucking huge crush on you."

"But I-" he looked down, "fuck."

"What?"

"The first time someone likes me and I'm not even into them," Stiles laughed sarcastically. "I mean, Danny really is perfect, but I can't-I can't find it in me these months to... How could I put this?" He sighed and looked in Jackson's eyes sadly. He thought he'd find them looking at him in pity, but Jackson's eyes were screaming comprehension, his voice brittle, "I can't even like myself, I'm not able to be caring for someone else right now, I'd just fuck him up."

Jackson let go of his grip and smiled softly at Stiles, "I know what you mean. It's never a good thing to be in a relationship with anyone when you're in a dark place. Remember when I was being a complete asshole to Lydia? It just fucked her up and she didn't deserve it. If I could go back time, I'd tell her to wait a year or two, our relationship would've been way better. But I still love her and she still loves me."

"But I'll make Danny sad! And aren't you pissed I'm rejecting your best friend?"

Jackson shook his head, "there's a difference here, Stiles. Also, Danny's has a crush, and he's a big boy. He'll understand. I promise you." Stiles nodded in understatement, and he smiled a little at Jackson. He was about to thank him when Jackson swore, his eyes getting wide open, "fuck! Your dad's here!"

Stiles eyes also widened in panic, "shit!" He looked behind himself, and he saw that his father already recognized him, walking his way to Stiles, frowning. Stiles turned to Jackson, "I'll take care of this, just, uh, get Danny out? He'll totally arrest you guys." Jackson nodded and went inside while Stiles took a long breath, closing his eyes.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Stiles could feel his Dad's anger before he even heard it. He opened one eye tentatively, "Uhm... I wanted to go clubbing?" It came out more like a question than an affirmation.

The Sheriff shook his head, frowning, "you're not even gay, Stiles."

"Well, I could be!" Stiles was now on the defensive. Hell yeah, he was. He heard his dad laugh.

"No, seriously, why are you here?"

Stiles felt his heart broke. He just tried to come out to his dad, and he just laughed and dismissed it. His mouth fell open and tears were going straight to his eyes, wanting out. He didn't let them and looked down instead, clearing his throat, "uh. Danny wanted to see his ex, so.."

"Oh, okay then. Hey, don't get home too late, yeah, kiddo?" John said as he walked away. Stiles let out a shaky breath, wanting to take control of himself. It didn't work, of course. He looked around him to find Jackson, and he found him with Danny next to his car. Danny was looking quizzically in Stiles' direction as he walked towards them.

"What do you wanna do now?" Jackson asked Stiles when he was in front of him.

"Just take me home," Stiles replied, toneless.

Jackson lifted an eyebrow in surprise, "you sure?"

"Yeah, my dad wants me home." Jackson heard his lie but he couldn't give two fucks at the moment. Jackson muttered an 'okay' and they all got inside the car, Danny got in the backseat since Jackson had to drop Stiles off first. The drive was done in silence, none of them wanted to break it because of how awkward it was. Jackson parked slowly in front of Stiles house, looking at him as Stiles thanked them, a fake smile plastered on his lips, "it was super cool, thank you guys, we should hang out more often."

"Yeah, man, sure," Danny said as Jackson nodded.

"Text me later, yeah?"

"Yeah, okay," replied Stiles and he got out, waving them goodbye a last time and went inside his house. Stiles went directly to his bedroom and retrieved his bottle of vodka, taking a huge swig of it, letting his tears out finally. He undressed himself out of his pants and started to scratch his thigh absent-mindedly and he just continued to drink. As disgusting as the pure vodka felt as he drank it, it still made him warmer inside. It burned his throat and it made his stomach feel a little bit weird, but he didn't care right now. He scratched and scratched and he knew there were blood because his fingers felt wet.

Stiles didn't know how much time passed, but he felt a hand stopping his left hand that was hurting himself with a firm grip and he felt himself letting go of his liquor bottle. He looked up and saw a person's blurring. He tried focusing better on that someone and he thought he heard them say something, it looked like 'God Stiles, what have you done to yourself?'. Stiles realized after a little while that it was Derek. "Th-hell you doin' n'my room?" He tried to ask Derek.

Stiles saw the room become dark and he think he heard something about Derek sniffing him from miles or something. He heard Derek shuffling a little and he felt himself being undressed of his t-shirt. Stiles started to cry again as he felt himself being laid on his back. He recited his little prayer and Derek paid no mind to it, laying right next to Stiles, wrapping himself around Stiles and shushed him a couple of times, stroking his back and his hair slowly. Stiles didn't remember a time where he fell asleep that fast before.

 

* * *

 

When Stiles woke up the next day, he was alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Four days have already passed since the club incident. Derek came to sleep - only to sleep, you perverts! - on two of these three nights but every single morning, when Stiles woke up, he woke up alone. He wasn't even totally sure these nights weren't dreams. Okay, let's be honest, it's mainly because Stiles got pissed all by himself on every one of these evenings and he also started to take two 30mg pills of oxazepam while being completely drunk these last four days. So you can't really blame him for not being a hundred percent sure about what happened.

At least, his dad was working the night shifts for the past week; that had been great.

Scott tried to text him, mainly asking Stiles why he was skipping school, but Stiles ignored him. To be fair, Stiles also ignored Danny's and Jackson's multiple texts. Well, actually, no. He told Danny he was feeling sick, and he didn't feel like going to school. Stiles would've felt too bad ignoring the guy when he knew he had a crush on him. But he didn't reply to Jackson.

Stiles was expecting Jackson to get pissed at him, to call him names maybe, but he was mostly hoping the blond man to give up on him after the second day.

But, at Stiles' surprise, he didn't.

He continued to text Stiles. Meaningless texts - 'class is boring man', 'fucking Harris i'd punch his clown's face', 'lydia wants me to watch the notebook again man kill me', 'idfc if ur not gonna reply im still txtin u bitch' - but the attention was there nevertheless. It made Stiles feel a little better every time he saw he had a notification from him because it meant that somebody cared.

Stiles always waited until his dad went to work to start drinking. What he did these last days was mainly drinking and watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. Needless to say, he doesn't remember lots of episodes. Anyway. His dad usually went to work around four pm, even though he only starts at six. Stiles knew his father probably spent that time to go eat some junk food and god knows what, but he found himself caring less and less as each day passed. Maybe that's what happened with his father too, since the older man never questioned Stiles about why he didn't go to school - because John felt himself giving no fucks anymore.

The thought saddened Stiles, but he reluctantly accepted this fact. He couldn't do shit to improve the situation.

Anyway, where this was going was that Stiles shouldn't have been so surprised to find Jackson in the doorway that afternoon at 3:45 pm smiling at Stiles. He should've expected it.

It was the Sheriff that opened to door to the smiley Jackson, and he looked behind himself to frown at his son, "the hell's he doing here, Stiles?" This could sound rude, but to be fair, the house looked utterly disgusting. This was not an environment to bring friends other than Scott in.

Stiles' eyes grew wide in surprise, and his arms went flying in the end, "I have no idea, Dad," he exclaimed as he shook his head. The Sheriff sighed.

"You guys have fun, I'll be back in the morning," John said as he took his coat and left. Jackson joined Stiles at the kitchen table, giving Stiles the bag he had in his hand. Stiles frowned quizzically.

"What is this?"

Jackson rolled his eyes, "open it and you'll know, idiot."

"I don't trust you."

Jackson sighed and shrugged, "I don't think you will like this anyway, so it doesn't matter."

Stiles sighed and opened it, only to find some plastic dishes full of warm food. He got them out - there were three of them - and frowned again at Jackson, "what the-man you brought me food?!"

"Yeah-I mean-it's mostly vegetables and-"

"Damn I haven't had a real mean in a long time!" He got up quickly to get himself a fork and sat back down in less than two seconds. He opened them, "man! Are these steamed veggies?! Damn!" His mouth was full of them, "I haven't had any since my mom died! You are so cool!" He opened the other dish, completely amazed. "Oh god, has this chicken been cooking for actual hours?! Oh, my God, the juice tastes like heaven!"

"Stiles you're not even making sense!"

"I don't care, Jackson, this is so good I'm gonna come."

Jackson's face twisted in disgust, "ew, please don't. Anyway," he cleared his throat, "I always smelled pizza or mac and cheese out of you. And the sad little pb&js you bring to school? This is so pathetic man, you need some real food once in a while. And my housekeeper always makes too many foods anyway so, you should come at least eat to my house once a week, okay? If you want to play lacrosse one day, you need strength man."

Stiles let out a huff between two mouthfuls, "if the food's always that good, I'm totally in." Jackson smiled at him, and Stiles got to eat his food in silence. Once he finished, he went to the sink and cleaned the three plastic dishes while Jackson still watched. He put them back in his bag, and he found a little plastic bag full of what seemed like wolfsbane. "Why do you have this?"

"Because, my friend, today we will get really fucked together. No, shut up," he said a bit harshly when Stiles opened his mouth to say something, "don't you dare think for a second I don't know that it's what you do because you reek of it. Tonight," he repeated a little slower, "we will get so pissed together that you won't drink for at least three days, okay? Can we make a deal?"

Stiles felt humiliated and embarrassed right now. He bit his lower lip as he felt his face becoming red. "Does that mean I'll have to go to school?"

"Yes. At least for tomorrow and Friday. Deal?"

He considered his options. On both way he gets drunk but on one, he doesn't have to do it alone. So he agreed. Jackson's smile grew really wide this time, "this will be awesome, Stiles."

"M'not sure about this. You seem more ebullient than me."

"I also brought some weed."

"This will be a great night." Jackson laughed as he took his bag and followed Stiles, who was already going towards the stairs. They got to Stiles' room, and Jackson wrinkled his nose.

"Dude, it smells so horrible in here! It reeks of alcohol and Derek. Why does it smell that much of Derek?" Stiles only answered with a shrug while Jackson opened up his window to let some air in. He turned back to Stiles, "so, what's your stock?"

Stiles took care of gathering everything that was on the floor to a corner of his room. He then let himself fall to his knees, reaching some things that were under the bed. Stiles had pure Vodka, white Rhum, maple Rhum, Blueberry Vodka, Raspberry Vodka and some Sour Pussy. "I got these. I also got some little cups to take shots. But first, let's make ourselves comfortable."

He took out some cushions from his wardrobe and took his bedcovers, putting it on the ground. He also moved his little kiddie table, putting his liquors and small cups on it. "So," Stiles asked as he finished his installation, "what are we going to do? Drink for fun, talking? Watching a dumb movie?"

"How about we ask each other a question and we have to answer truthfully, and both take a shot after each question?"

Stiles nodded in agreement, sitting down on the floor, "okay. But can we back out from a question?"

Jackson shook his head and sat down next to Stiles, "no. But everything that's told in here stays in here. Deal?"

"Sounds good. What do you wanna drink first?" Jackson pointed the maple Rhum. Stiles poured both of them a cup and Jackson put some wolfsbane in his drink. "Can I start?"

"Yeah man."

"You told me Danny had a crush on me. Since when?!"

Jackson stared blankly in front of him, in his thoughts, "probably...two months ago? Something like it." They both drank down in one go, both making a face at the taste. Stiles poured them another. "Talking about Danny," he rose both his arms in the air, "tryna be a good best friend here!" He put them down and continued, "how much do you like him?"

"Not enough," Stiles smiled sadly. They drank again and this time, Stiles poured some raspberry Vodka in new little cups. "How does it feels to be loved back by the one you love?"

Jackson smiled idiotically, "it feels so good man. It's like, she helped me become the guy I am right now, and I finally feel whole and complete. She means everything to me, and I know it's the same for her. Just knowing I'll always have her, it's huge, man. It's-it's the most amazing thing ever." They drank, Stiles poured liquor again in their cups, "what the fuck's the deal with Scott?"

"Dunno," Stiles shrugged. "Like, the bite got to his head. He suddenly became popular, and he had things to deal with, I guess. Things more important."

"Nothing's more important than friendship, family, pack, all the same, things."

Stiles huffed, "Don't tell me you never stood up Danny for Lydia."

"This is entirely different, Stiles. You're not okay, and he'd rather be with some girl than helping you get through this. This isn't fair to you."

"Tell me about it," he let out a small, sad laugh before he drank his liquor. Jackson swallowed too. Stiles poured them some blueberry Vodka now. "Why don't you give up? With me, I mean? I never even replied to you, but you still texted me. Why?"

Jackson gazed right into Stiles' soul through his eyes, "because I know how it feels. I've only ever had Danny and-and I've always felt really lonely. I guess I've reaped what I sowed. But two years ago, it was even worse. I learned something that made me feel so shitty, man," Jackson was staring blankly, as though he lost himself inside his thoughts. Stiles let him. He waited for about two minutes and Jackson drank his cup, so Stiles did the same. "Why does it smells of Derek so much?"

"He keeps me company sometimes at night." Stiles was starting to feel the alcohol kick in. "If you hadn't told me you smelled him, I wouldn't even have believed myself because I always wake up alone, you know? No traces of him anywhere." He wrapped his arms around himself and Jackson took his shot, "I'm gonna wait a few minutes before taking mine or I'll go all sad-y with ya."

Jackson nodded, smiling a little, "s'okay. Hey, I meant to ask you, why did you give me a chance? I mean, you could've told me no or, I don't know, punch me in the face man, I guess, I deserve it."

Stiles burst out laughing, inclining back a tiny bit and clapping his hands together, "punch you? Dude that is the funniest thing I ever heard! As if! I'm so terrified just thinking about it!" Jackson laughed a little and Stiles tried to calm himself, bursting into little fits of laughter every two seconds, "like, dude, you would've destroyed me in a second!"

"Would not!" Jackson frowned, a beaming smile still on his lips.

"Would so, dude. I mean, you terrified me, okay? But anyway, I gave you a chance because I felt so alone, you know? Scott was being a shitty friend, and I thought, why not? You couldn't fuck me worse than I already am."

"You're not fucked, Stiles."

Stiles huffed, "yeah, I am."

"Yeah, okay a little bit." they both burst out laughing again, "but we-we all are, you know?" He giggled the words between his laughs. As they both calmed down again, Jackson brought a hand to his chest, taking his breath back, "man, we're so pathetic."

"We truly are." 

Stiles took his bottle of Sour Puss and drank directly from the bottle. He drank the equivalent of maybe three shots before Jackson stopped him.

"Dude, leave some to me!" Jackson giggled as Stiles choked on his mouthful of liquor. Jackson laughed even more while Stiles tried to regain his breath.

"Dickhead!" Stiles managed to say between two coughs. "Anyway. My turn. I think it is?"

"Yeah."

"So," he emphasized on the 'o,' "why, and I mean, I want the real truth, why did you try to be my friend? For real?" Stiles asked while looking carefully at the blond.

Jackson sighed, his face fell, "we're going at it again?" Stiles nodded, his face looked painfully serious, and Jackson sighed again, bringing a hand to rub his nose, "look, Stiles, it's just-your smell was surrounded by sadness, loneliness, and hurt. It was all over you, every goddamn second I could smell it, it was-it was so fucking overwhelming, okay? And Scott, fuck!" Jackson looked up at Stiles, "Scott didn't even seem to be aware of it, I mean, how could he not?! How much of a fucked up best friend doesn't even realize that, while I do?!"

Stiles looked down at his hands, he could feel the tears in his eyes. It stayed silent for a minute or so before Jackson continued. "It was making me crazy because I knew what you were going through and I almost died because of it, and I couldn't bear watch you getting worse by the days without doing something-anything! Thank God I had Danny at that time," Jackson huffed, his shoulders shaking softly, "but you, you had no one and even though I thought I hated youat that point, I still couldn't bear it. So, with Derek-"

"Wait!" Stiles exclaimed, cutting Jackson and looking up at him, frowning, "you talked about me with Derek?"

"Yeah, he was worrying so fucking much, don't ask me why I don't know. And we both agreed that you needed support. That's why I made all these efforts to become your friend because you needed it more than ever. And then I just realized that, fuck! You are awesome. And there was also the fact that Danny's crushing on you and as his best friend, I had to help him make contact, you know?"

The tears were still there, in Stiles' eyes, "I'm sorry about him.."

Jackson smiled softly at Stiles, "hey, it's okay. We don't get a say in our feelings." He wiped a tear that was going all the way down Stiles' face, "it's okay. You're gonna get through this. And I will support you 24/7 as your friend because right now, that's what you need, trust me. And Derek is also going to be there. We won't need Scott, fuck him, okay?" Stiles nodded slowly as he saw Jackson's smile grow bigger by the second, "talking 'bout Derek, the fuck's going on between you two?" Jackson bit his lower lip in his smile as both his eyebrows lifted.

Stiles laughed a little, "I don't know man. I have no fucking clue. One day he threatens me, the next he talks to me about his family. I don't know," he huffed, shaking his head, "I seriously thought he hated me, like you, but then, after what you told me and what I saw, I think he cares?" It sounded more like a question than an affirmation. "I'm not sure why and I don't wanna be disappointed so I try not to think about it too much."

"It's probably wise."

"Yeah," Stiles chuckled. "And it's ridiculous because he's like in his mid-twenties? Or whatever, and he definitely has had some girlfriends in the past and here I am, almost seventeen and I never even kissed anyone. How pathetic is that?"

Jackson frowned, "Wait a minute, the fuck? Are you serious?"

"Sadly I am."

"Come on, come here," Jackson told him as he reached out to Stiles.

Stiles frowned, "Uh, dude, first, that's fucking gay. Second, what the fuck?"

Jackson burst out laughing, "Dude, you're gay, well, bi. Anyway, who the fuck cares? I had my first kiss with Danny. We used to practice together when we were young. Anyway, it's just kissing. As long as we both know it stops there."

"Are you serious?"

"Very. And very drunk. So that may be your only chance to fulfill your dream of kissing me."

"Fuck you!" He laughed at Jackson's shit-eating grin.

"Damn, you should see me with Danny," Jackson laughed, "we're so gay together, man, it's beautiful. Like, we used to kiss when we were little, and we always cuddled. When we watch a movie, we still do cuddle sometimes. When we had sleepovers, we used to sleep cuddling."

"That's so fucking gay, man!" Stiles was laughing so hard by now, "you sure Danny never had a crush on you?"

"Nah, man. It was - and still is - totally platonic. It's awesome having a friendship like that. Like, full homo but no homo, you know?"

"Almost makes me jealous, man. With Scott, all we ever did was play video games and to talk about our families and shit. I mean, I always considered him as my best friend, but maybe that's only because he was the only friend I ever had and I was his. Our relationship had never been that high."

"That sucks dude. I'll be your full homo no homo friend if you want? And Derek could totally be your full homo boyfriend in the future. I can see it clear as day."

Stiles huffed again, "come on, don't joke about this. I think it would crush me to be disappointed."

"And I think you should focus on yourself for the next few months. No matter what happens with him, focus on yourself, that's the important thing."

"Okay, but it's still important to lose your V-card, and I definitely wanna lose it."

"Well, I'm still offering the kiss." Jackson's face features were soft, and he had a sweet smile on his face. He reached out again to Stiles, waiting for him to make a move. And Stiles did. Stiles was slowly moving towards Jackson, sitting millimeters away from him.

Jackson never saw Stiles look so unsure in his entire life so he put his arm around Stiles' waist, softly rubbing his hip and licked his lips. Stiles did the same - licked his lips and put a hand on Jackson's chest - and took a deep breath before he closed his lips and went for it. His lips slowly met Jackson's. He only briefly met them before he pulled out, laughing, "this is too weird man."

Jackson laughed with him, slowly stroking Stiles' back, "at least now it's done. No need to stress over that anymore."

"That's true." They stayed silent for a couple of minutes, Stiles still half in Jackson's embrace, until Stiles backed up a little, looking at his bed, "wanna get in?" He asked the other man who shrugged in answer. "Also, you said you had a joint?"

Stiles looked at Jackson as he got back up on his feet, a grin on his lips, to which Jackson answered with a smirk, also getting up, "yeah man. It's in my backpack. Do you have a light?" Stiles nodded and walked to his drawer, opening the first one and getting out a blue lighter. He turned back to Jackson, now sitting on Stiles' bed, the joint between his lips. Stiles went to join him and gave him the lighter. It only took seconds for Jackson to light it and he exhaled the smoke directly in Stiles' face. Stiles took the joint from the fingers of a laughing Jackson and took a long inhale.

He may have inhaled and kept it inside for too long because he had tears in his eyes and his throat ached so bad when he let it out, but it felt so fucking good. Stiles closed his eyes and let his head hit the wall beside his bed. He felt a smile growing on his lips and he let out a little chuckle. His mind felt hazy, Stiles also became too aware of his own heart beating and every single one of his breathings. He felt Jackson take his joint back and heard him smoke it.

Stiles felt so good right now - it was the first time he got fucked and didn't end up the night crying. He also felt supported by Jackson, which was a very weird thought considering his past relationship with the other man. Basically, he just felt safe and okay right now, and it hadn't happened for a while now, so he felt very blessed while being very high.

They both smoked one after the other until there were only a few centimeters of joint and they had to crush it - Stiles opened the window and smashed it against the outside's inner wall - then they both laid down on Stiles bed, one next to the other, looking at the ceiling in silence. Stiles didn't even realized he started to recite the prayer until Jackson asked about it, "the fuck you whispering about, man?"

Stiles frowned to himself, surprised it got out of his mouth while the other man was with him - he never even recited it with his father, it was always him and his mother. Not even Derek knew about it. So Stiles faced Jackson and only shrugged, replying, "dunno dude. Wanna sleep? I'm dead."

And that is the last thing Stiles remembers before he fell asleep. He guessed he blacked out after that. Not really sure.

But what he knew for sure was that he was already regretting everything that Stiles openly told Jackson the second he woke up the next day, with one of the worst headaches Stiles ever had.


	3. Chapter 3

Stiles swore to God, - this was the most awkward breakfast he ever had. He and Jackson were sitting at the kitchen's table, eating cereal. They hadn't even glanced at each other since they had woken up, and the only time they had spoken to each other, was when Stiles had asked Jackson if he wanted some cereal. At least his dad still hadn't gotten home yet. Stiles realized that Jackson already had finished, so he rushed to finish himself. Once he did, he took his and Jackson's bowls and rinsed them in the sink. Then Stiles turned around and leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms, and stared at Jackson. "So..."

Jackson finally looked at Stiles, a little smile on his lips, "so. Last night was fun, don't you think?"

"Actually," Stiles frowned, "I don't think so. Not with everything we told each other."

"We agreed that what we said in that room, stayed in that room. If you don't go around telling people what I confessed to you, then I won't either."

Stiles looked down at his feet, nodding slowly, biting his lower lip while sighing, "Okay, I guess."

Jackson got up and walked to Stiles, giving him a pat on the arm with a smirk on his lips."And everything I said there was true. You're better off without McCall, and you're pretty awesome."

Stiles looked up at Jackson for about two seconds before he looked down again, blushing. Jackson's smirk grew even wider at that, "come on, don't go gay on me."

Stiles laughed, "I'm the one that's going gay? While you're the one complimenting a guy?" he taunted, this time looking up with mocking eyes. Jackson burst out laughing while Stiles continued, "also, you're the one that insisted on kissing me!"

"Touché. But dude, it's pathetic to be seventeen years old and never have kissed anyone."

"I know right!" he exclaimed. "But I'm actually still sixteen, so." Jackson rolled his eyes, and Stiles yawned, "Anyway, I'm gonna go back to bed. I guess I'll see you later?"

Jackson frowned and took Stiles' wrist as the younger man tried to go, "What do you mean? You have to go to school, you promised!"

Stiles eyes and mouth went wide, "What?" He squeaked, "You were serious about that?!"

"Of course, I was serious! You need to graduate dude! It's our last year."

"But I don't care!" Stiles growled.

"Well, I sure as fuck do, and so does your dad! And I'm sure as hell your mom would've cared too," he hissed.

Stiles was taken aback for a second - his face went blank. He got a grip of himself and his face turned to anger, "Don't you fucking dare bring my mother into this!"

"If you can't do this for yourself, Stiles, do it for the people that love you." Stiles expected a fight. Actually, he expected anything but this. He never thought Jackson, of all people, cared. So Stiles told him just that. "Of course, I fucking care, you idiot! I already told you, how many times do I have to repeat myself."

"A lot, apparently." Stiles sighed, and he gave up, "Fine. I'll get a shower. You can shower too. There's one in the guest room." Jackson nodded and let go of Stiles' wrist. They both went upstairs and then took separate ways. Stiles showered quickly and put on the first things he saw - tight blue jeans and a plain white shirt under a plaid. He could hear the guest room's shower running still, and Stiles rolled his eyes. He went downstairs and waited on the sofa.

He played on his phone until Jackson finally decided to show his face. He was completely naked, only a towel wrapped around his hips. Stiles let his eyes linger on Jackson's abs a second too long, and when he looked up again at Jackson's face, it wore the biggest smirk ever. Stiles rolled his eyes again and sighed. "I need clothes. Can I borrow some? And I hope they'll be decent." Stiles glared at him but didn't say anything. He nodded towards Jackson and went upstairs, to his room.

Stiles sat on his bed and pointed his wardrobe. "Take whatever you want." Jackson stayed still for a couple of seconds before he shuffled through Stiles' pants and shirts.

"Dude, you and I are so going shopping after school. Lydia is going to be thrilled about this." He took a blue button up and skinny black pants. Jackson also went to Stiles drawer and opened the second drawer where he took a boxer and socks. Stiles was about to ask him how he knew it was the second drawer but decided he'd rather not know. Instead, he got up to his feet and went back to the living room to wait - again.

It took four minutes - Stiles counted - for Jackson to get dress and be downstairs. "Are you ready to go now?" Stiles asked exasperatedly. It was now Jackson's turn to roll his eyes.

"Yes, moron. Let's go." So, they went out the door and walked to their cars. Stiles sat there and sighed, his head on the stirring wheel. He listened to Jackson's car drive away while he tried to stop a panic attack from happening. It took him a couple of minutes of breathing slowly and trying to calm himself until it finally worked. Stiles ignited his Jeep and drove away.

He arrived at the school in less time than he expected but he still was late. He got out of his car, his backpack on his shoulders and his lacrosse stick in his hand, he walked toward the lacrosse field. The guys were already playing. He sat on the bleachers and saw Coach coming to him, looking angry.

"Stilinski! How nice of you to grace us with your presence today. But you're still late!" He screamed at Stiles' face.

"Sorry Coach,' Stiles muttered.

"You should be! Anyway, it's not like you're actually playing, so," he laughed as he went back to the field. Stiles frowned and felt anger boil inside of him. He threw his stick on the bench, cursing under his breath, then sat, went through his backpack to find his book and he started to read. Fuck him - he didn't want to let Stiles play? Then he sure as hell wouldn't. The hour passed quickly, and as soon as the bell rang, Stiles was already walking towards the building. He went directly to his locker to take his books. He opened its door and went through his manuals. Stiles lost himself in his train of thoughts, and he didn't realize that Scott was standing beside him, and he jumped when Scott said his name.

"Hey, are you okay?" Scott frowned.

"Since when is that any of your concerns?" He grumbled, still looking ahead of him - his math textbook.

Stiles was sure Scott frowned even more, "O..kay? I only wanted to ask you why Jackson's wearing your clothes, but you're obviously not in the mood to talk, so I'm just gonna..." He didn't even finish, and then he was already gone. Stiles let out an angry sigh and slammed his locker's door shut. He looked around himself, and he found Jackson staring at him at the other end of the hallway.

"I really wanna go home, Jackson. Please, can I go?" He whispered while staring at Jackson. Jackson's face softened.

He didn't need super hearing to understand Jackson's answer. 'At least two classes. You can do this.' Stiles sighed again and started to walk to his second class of the day - AP calculus. He sat down at his desk and began to work as soon as his ass touched the chair. He needed to distract himself. Stiles always did very well at math, so it was not like a week's absence made him nervous. He was still able to work without his teacher's help.

Halfway through the class, Stiles reached for his phone to see the time. He noticed that he had an unseen text from Jackson. It said 'do u want me to punch mccall in the fucking face? bc i would happily. what an asshole'. Stiles let out a soft laugh and answered 'nah its alright man'. He went back to his work, and it felt like he had been working for only five minutes when the bell rang.

 

\-----

 

Stiles hadn't even put his tray on the table when he heard someone say his name. He looked up, confused - nobody ever talked to him when he sat down at Jackson's table. Stiles felt his cheeks redden from humiliation - someone was calling him out to tell him to sit somewhere else, he was sure of it.

The eyes he met were the Lydia's, of all people. Stiles felt even more humiliated. He didn't say anything, he just stood still, completely frozen. Lydia frowned for a second, but her face softened as soon as the frown disappeared. "Hey, you can sit, you know. Unless you want to eat standing up." She smiled friendlily at Stiles and he slowly sat down. He looked beside him at Jackson, but Jackson was talking to Greenberg, so he had no choice but to look at Lydia.

She took a bite of her salad and continued, "Jackson told me we were going shopping after school?" She smirked, a playful look in her eyes, "It's going to be fun." She took her phone out, and Stiles watched her tap on it, "Give me your number, I'll text you after school."

She held out her cellphone, and Stiles reached for it. He let out a small laugh as he saw the name Lydia gave him. 'S.S' with a kiss emoji next to it. Stiles wrote his number and gave it back to Lydia.

As he started to eat, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He got it out and was surprised by the sender. It was Derek. The text said: 'Hey. You wanna hang out?'. Stiles tapped a quick message, 'ok. When'. The answer didn't take more than ten seconds to come, '20 minutes, is that okay?'. 'sure'.

Stiles continued to eat, very confused by the sudden contact from Derek. He shot a look at Jackson, who was already eyeing him. Stiles lifted his eyebrows in question and Jackson only replied with a smirk, then continued to talk to Danny. When he finished, Stiles took a minute to calm himself, and he left without saying a word. He went directly outside the building, surprised to see that the black Camaro was already there, with Derek leaning against it. He wore a quite tight blue t-shirt and well fitting jeans. Stiles may have drooled a little for a second but he quickly got a grip on himself.

Derek smiled at him, and it stunned Stiles - Derek never smiled to him. Before, Stiles hadn't even been sure if the guy actually knew how to smile. Turned out he did. Weird. "Okay," Stiles began, "I'm adding 'A twenty-four years old adult helping me skip classes' to my list of the weirdest things that has ever happened to me."

Derek snorted, "Hey to you too, Stiles." He opened his car's door and sat in the driver's seat.

"Hey," Stiles whispered as he walked to the passenger's door. He opened it and sat down next to Derek. It was the first time Stiles got near the car - he'd have never thought he'd get inside. Derek started the car and drove off. Stiles cleared his throat, "So... Where are we going?"

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"Sleep?"

"Okay. We'll go to your place. Is your dad on shift?" Stiles didn't know what to expect from Derek, but he surely didn't expect this.

Stiles decided to push his luck even more, "Nope. We could go to your place, though."

Derek's face still lacked any emotion when he shrugged and answered, "Sure, why not." Stiles was at a loss, so he stayed silent, watching through the window as the buildings went by and his eyes were welcomed by large trees. They drove in silence for a good twenty minutes until they reached Derek's mansion.

Derek started working on it before Scott got bitten and there already was a lot of work done. About four or five rooms were actually done, including the kitchen, the bedroom, and a bathroom. But since the mansion was huge, there was still a lot of things to do left.

Derek parked and they both got out of the car. Derek let Stiles walk in front of him. When Stiles reached the front door, he barely touched the door knob before he turned back to face Derek, a frown on his face. "Are we really going to sleep?"

It was Derek's turn to frown, "Well, that's what you said you wanted to do. You don't want to?"

"Well, yeah," Stiles sighed, "it just seems weird, you know?"

Derek let out a small laugh, looking down at his shoes, "Yeah, I know."

"Are you going to do the same as you did every night you came into my room?"

Derek was taken aback by the question, his eyes opened wide as he answered, "What do you mean?"

"Will I wake up alone?" Stiles' tone was sad and Derek obviously picked up on it.

"Hey, I'm sorry okay? I know it seems like an asshole's move, but I have to get out before your dad comes back. Because when he does, he comes to your room to see if you're okay and still sleeping."

To say that Stiles was surprised by that would be an understatement. "He comes to see me in my room? To see if I'm alright?"

A soft and affectionate smile grew on Derek's lips, "Yeah, he does. He worries about you a lot, Stiles. That's all I can smell out of him when he comes home."

Stiles felt sparks of - how could he describe it - love? Go through his body. It's been a while since he felt affection from his dad, and Stiles thought his Dad had actually given up on him. It made him feel slightly better. Without saying anything, Stiles turned back to the door and opened it. He and the pack came quite often in Derek's mansion on packs nights - not that Stiles went recently. So he knew the way to Derek's room. It was painted in red and gray tones, which Stiles found beautiful. Stiles took off his plaid and sat on Derek's bed, watching the older man as he stared at Stiles. After what felt like an eternity, Derek walked towards the other end of the bed and got inside the sheets, as Stiles did the same.

As soon as Stiles was comfortably tucked between the sheets, Derek moved closer to cuddle him. Stiles never realized he starved for affectionate physical touch before that moment. He shifted closer to Derek and embraced the warmth of his body. He never felt more comfortable in his entire life. Derek's arm was around his waist and his nose was in Stiles' neck. Stiles fell asleep quickly and it was the first time in a long time he didn't feel the need to recite his mom's prayer.

\--

When Stiles woke up, his head was lying on top of Derek's chest. He looked up to the older man and saw that he was already awake, looking at Stiles. Stiles also felt something on his head and realized seconds later that it was Derek's hand. "What time is it," he asked Derek quietly, his voice hoarse.

"Around four." Derek's voice was barely above a whisper. Stiles hummed in understanding, putting his head back on Derek's torso only to jerk away a minute or so later.

"Shit! I totally forgot!" He looked at Derek, who looked at him in confusion. "I have to go shopping with Lydia and Jackson!" He reached for the nightstand to get his phone and he saw he had a couple of unseen texts from Jackson and Lydia, mostly asking if he was still on for the shopping trip. He replied quickly to Jackson, asking him if he could come get him at Derek's place. Jackson replied he would be there in twenty minutes along with Lydia.

"How's he treating you? Jackson, I mean." Derek asked as he sat up.

Stiles looked at him quite sassily, "Don't go all innocent on me, I know you and Jackson talked about me."

"Well, I mean, it's not a secret. We're just worried."

Stiles let out a laugh, "You? Worried? About me? That's just plain funny man."

Derek frowned. Stiles could see that what he said hurt him, but it disappeared within seconds, so he probably dreamt. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Not like you always cared about me."

Derek opened his mouth but nothing came out, so he closed it. But he did frown a little more. Stiles rolled his eyes at him and sighed angrily. "I don't need your pity." He got up and walked out the bedroom door. "Don't bother coming back to my place at night, I don't want you, nor do I need you."

He walked out the front door and sat down heavily. He knew the way he reacted was probably not fair, but he didn't care at the moment. He was really angry and hurt. He expected Derek to say something back. Not to admit that he always cared about him or any love confession, but he expected something. _Anything_. But no. Fuck that. Fuck _him_.

Derek also didn't come after him.

And Stiles didn't know if that made him more sad or angry.


	4. Chapter 4

Stiles cursed himself for saying yes to the shopping trip the second he entered Lydia's Beetle. It's only going worse and worse the more time he spent with them at the shopping mall. All he wanted to do was to curl into a ball and die. At least it'd be a comfortable death, he thought. He was barely even paying attention to what Lydia was putting in his hands. And he knew Jackson caught on it, he could feel the blonde man's glare through his head. Stiles was too much of a coward to look at him in the face, so he just kept his eyes firmly on the ground.

After a while, Lydia stopped talking and walking, which made Stiles collide with her. "What's up, Stiles? Seriously. I put a couple of dresses in your arms and you didn't even realize it. What's wrong?" Lydia asked.

Stiles kept his face neutral while answering, "Nothing's wrong. I'm alright."

Jackson huffed, "No, dude. You're not. Did something happen with Derek?"

"Wait, what?" Lydia frowned, "Why was he with Derek?"

Jackson put his hand up to her face, "Shush, sweety." He said as he was still staring right through Stiles.

"Don't you dare shush me!" Lydia exclaimed, visibly growing angrier by the second.

Jackson finally turned to face his girlfriend, "Babe, this isn't even about you! Would you please-"

"No!" She all but shouted. "I won't shut up!"

Stiles snorted sarcastically. Of course, they would turn this about them and make a scene. Stiles isn't as important as them. "That's it. I've had enough. I'm out." His voice was as neutral as his face.

He put everything he had in his arms on a bench and he left. He heard Jackson and Lydia calling out his names, followed-up with "It's all your fault!", "No! It's yours!", etcetera, etcetera. Stiles had enough. He dug out his cell phone from his pocket. He saw an unseen text from Scott. This is weird, Stiles thought.

He opened it as he walked out the shopping mall. It said, 'hey wanna hang out tonight'. Stiles frowned. He quickly replied 'im busy tonight' and then went in his contacts to call his father. The older man answered on the second ring.

"Hey, son, to what do I owe this honor?"

It didn't even make Stiles smile, instead, he said, "Hey Pop. Could you come and get me at the mall? I don't have the Jeep."

Stiles could practically hear his father frown. "What are you doing at the mall without a lift."

"I.." He sighed deeply, "I don't wanna talk about it, please Dad. I had a horrible day and I just wanna go to bed." Stiles guessed his father heard the despair in his voice because he replied urgently.

"I'll be there in ten, kid." And then he hung up. Stiles sat down on a bench and took his head in his hands. He sighed deeply. It took a little more than five minutes for his father to be there. He had his police car. Stiles hoped in and immediately thanked his father, to which he nodded in understanding.

The drive was made in silence. Once they got to their house, Stiles climbed directly upstairs to go to his room. He sat on the bed, fishing out for his phone again. Scott replied. 'no youre not'. Stiles didn't know he could feel that angry at a small text, but he was. Who the fuck did Scott think he was? He wasn't even his friend anymore! How could he know if Stiles was busy or not?! Stiles threw his phone at the wall furiously and he laid his back on his bed as he growled in anger.

Stiles heard his father burst out the door before he saw him. Stiles looked at him from his bed. "What happened?" The Sherrif asked, in confusion.

"Scott's pissing me off, is all." Stiles grumbled.

"Is everything all right between the both of you? I haven't seen him in a while."

Stiles put his head in his hands. "My best guess is that you won't see him for another while. I don't know what's up with him, he just stopped giving a shit about my existence all of a sudden."

"Wow. That's a good friend."

Stiles laughed sarcastically. "Yeah, I know right?"

There was a silence between them. Stiles looked up to his father, only to find him staring back at Stiles. The Sheriff sighed. "You know, I worry about you, kiddo... I worry a lot." It was Stiles turn to sigh.

"I know dad. I'm sorry. It's just... You know... with mom... you know."

"Yeah." Another silence. Stiles was avoiding his father's eyes. "Take care, huh? I know it's a difficult time. It is for me too. But I'm here for you, okay? I love you." Stiles stopped avoiding them and looked straight into his father's eyes. He could feel the emotions in them. Unconditional love, worry, fear, pain, sadness, you name it.

"I love you too dad. Everything's okay. I promise you." The Sheriff nodded, stayed there for about half a minute and then left, closing the door softly behind him, as though he felt that if he closed it too hard, their world would break down with it. Stiles sighed another time, feeling tears coming down from his eyes to his cheeks. He curled up on his bed, holding his legs against his chest and let it all out. Stiles cried for what he felt like hours.

 

\----------------------

 

Stiles went to school the next day, even though he had next to no sleep, but he made a promise to Jackson and he wanted to keep it. He avoided everyone all day but he did spend the whole day in school.

 

\----------------------

 

Stiles kept listening over and over the same album of a band he discovered not long ago, I'll Keep You In Mind From Time To Time by Moose Blood. Right now, it helped him focus on his homework, which was a progress since it was the first time in weeks he spent more than a few minutes on them. Moose Blood was far from what he usually listened to, but he figured it was a nice change, it changed his mind, made him think of the music and not his shitty life. The sound of Gum was blasting through his speakers and it was the reason why he almost missed the doorbell ringing. Stiles lowered the volume and went downstairs to see who it was.

To say he wasn't surprised to see Alison standing on his porch would be an understatement. Stiles opened the down, frowning. "Huh, hello?" It sounded more like a question than a greeting.

Alison smiled sheepishly and looked genuinely anxious. "Hey Stiles, could I come in for a minute?"

Stiles took a minute to answer. "I... guess?" He emphasized on the 'I' for quite a long time. He finally left the doorstep to let Alison come inside and watched her close the door behind her. "What do you want?"

Alison let out a long sigh. She lowered her eyes to the ground and started talking. "Take your pick... I'm either here for Lydia-" She dragged her eyes high to meet Stiles'. "-or Scott."

Stiles' face hardened at Scott's name. "So, what are you now? Their owl? You're here to send me their messages?"

"No! Well, technically, I guess, but-"

"But I don't fucking know you!" Stiles burst out, angry.

Alison's eyes went wide, she definitely wasn't expecting this kind of reaction from Stiles. "But that's the thing," Alison said tentatively. "They think you'd maybe want to talk about this with someone that's not involved."

"But you're involved! You're his fucking girlfriend, for fuck's sake!" Stiles was so angry, he was starting to shake. He could feel the anger coming from everywhere on his body. He had been building up his anger for months now and he was about to unleash it. He _was_ about to when he felt large hands on his shoulders and he heard a whisper in his ear.

"Take a deep breath, Stiles."

Stiles saw Alison's face change within a second. Stiles figured out that Derek came up from literally nowhere, but he felt calmer already with Derek near him. He took a deep breath, like Derek suggested, and closed his eyes. Stiles heard a whisper in his ear again. "Just focus on the pressure of my hands on your shoulder while breathing deeply."

Stiles did exactly what Derek asked him to. He didn't even flinch nor did he open his eyes when he heard the front door open and close. Unconsciously, Stiles reached for Derek's hand and took it in his. Derek let the contact happen for two whole seconds, seconds where Stiles stopped breathing, and then let got of Stiles completely. Derek took a few steps backward.

Stiles took a shaky breath and he could feel the tears coming to his eyes. Another rejection, just what he needed. He didn't know where his voice came from, but he found himself talking between sobs. "Come o-on, I just need a f-fucking hug, can't you see?" When he stopped speaking, Stiles brought his hands to his face and cried out loud. It took maybe half a minute, but Stiles felt Derek's whole body against his. His large and muscled arms around Stiles tiny body, his huge chest against Stiles's face, and his own on top of Stiles'. Stiles put his hands around Derek's and let himself go, hugging him hard. Derek was rocking him slowly and Stiles could hear the faint sound of Cherry from upstairs between sobs.

 

\--------------------

 

"I didn't mean what I said the other day." They were in Stiles bedroom. When Stiles finally stopped crying, he and Derek both went upstairs and sat on his bed without saying a word to each other. They just stayed in a semi-comfortable silence for almost half an hour until Stiles broke it. They were both staring blankly in front of them.

"I know Stiles."

"I really do need someone, you. My life keeps going to shit and I don't know how much more of it I can manage on my own. It's just-I shouldn't be dealing with this on my own, you know? She should-she needs-she should still be here with me." It took him a long time to finish his sentence because he felt the need to cry again. He had to take control of himself once and for all.

"I couldn't understand you more, Stiles."

(And it probably was at that moment that Stiles understood why Derek seemed to care so much about him - Derek understood him better than anyone. He saw himself in Stiles. He didn't want Stiles to be like him. An angry, grieving and deeply hurt man. But Stiles would only fully realize that much later. At this exact moment, he didn't think much about Derek's statement.)

"How could they ask her to come here? How dare they? She stole my best friend, it's because of her that everything in my life started to fall apart."

Derek turned his head to look at Stiles. "Is it, though? Is she really the reason of everything that's been going on?"

Stiles took some time to deliberate internally about it. He sighed when he came to the conclusion. "No, I guess not. But still, it was a shitty move."

Derek nodded in silence. When he realized Stiles had nothing else to say, he talked. "What happened with Jackson and Lydia?"

Stiles snorted. "I don't even remember, to be honest. It just escalated out of nowhere.What I do remember is that they made it all about them. Like they always do. I don't know. It was stupid. I overreacted, I do realize that, it's just... Why couldn't they come here, instead of Alison?"

"You guys are teenagers. You make stupid decisions."

"That's an understatement." Stiles let out a small laugh. After a couple of minutes of silence, Stiles turned his head to look at Derek. "Can I ask you something?" His voice was shaking and unsure.

Derek looked back at Stiles. "Of course."

"Will you be honest?"

Stiles looked so insecure, Derek didn't know what else to answer. "I will."

Stiles took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a few seconds. When he opened them, he looked straight into Derek's eyes. "What were you doing here? I mean, you came out of nowhere. Where did you come from?"

Derek was taken aback with Stiles question. He knew he had to be honest. He couldn't lie to Stiles, not right now. It took all of his willpower to answer him. "I'm never too far away from you."

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to comment to let me know if you liked it!


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